by Hannah Kloepfer


SUBJECT: Meeting Face to Face?


Per my last email, I believe this issue is best addressed if we may speak face to face.

I understand that you’re busy, but “never a good time?” Your Facebook profile suggests otherwise. You appear to have time to reveal which “Character from Mulan you are based on your order at Applebee’s” and “When you’ll meet your soulmate based on how many state capitals you remember”. Really.

I will keep this as brief and professional as I can.

Oh. I’ve cc’d Karen from HR, so she remains up to date on our conflict resolution.

The way you speak to me is unacceptable. Actually, that’s the thing. You don’t speak to me at all anymore. The silent treatment? Juvenile.

And yet you feel compelled to speak to others about me? Right in front of me!?

They don’t know the intimate details or origins of our dispute. They don’t know the struggle, so they can’t possibly understand how to resolve it. Of course from their standpoint this seems like something that can be easily diffused. But 100 suggestions do not a lasting solution make. Bandaids and bullet holes, honey.

(@Karen, I use the term of endearment here to represent tone, not to express feelings of intimacy.)

Imagine a different scenario. Would you find it appropriate to talk about, say, Lesley and Carter’s “secret” office romance? In front of them? Thought so.

I can hear you now, “let’s keep this topical.”  I’d argue that that’s problem. Because no matter what you want to call it, we have a relationship. Stop trying to cover this up. To cover me up. We’re not getting to the root cause of this all. But I’m willing to dig deep if you are. And I think we can agree that we’ve experienced enough pain for a lifetime.

Your abuses, if I may be so blunt, are an incredible distraction. Aren’t you tired of being angry all the time? I must say, red-in-the-face is not a good look for you. Maybe try meditation. I’m not blameless, of course. I am prone to emotional explosions, which, I’ll add, I instantly regret and often am forced to retreat until I’ve licked my wounds and am ready to return.

And then there are the times you dismiss me by calling my issues “hormonal.” That’s some micro-misogyny as far as I’m concerned. As if hormones aren’t something to be treated with respect and compassion. Everyone has them.

I feel myself becoming emotional again, so I will wrap this up before I say something regrettable or my head just goes… *POP!*

I’m not trying to get under your skin here. All I’m proposing is that we find a different tactic moving forward.

Please consult your GCal and send an invite for an appointment time that suits you. I’m available.


Your Zit

PS. @Karen, an unnamed (for now) colleague keeps offering drugs to “reduce my inflammation;” I’m concerned this is slang for something inappropriate. I’d Urban Dictionary it, but I actually work at work, thank you. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and I’d like to submit a formal complaint. Will follow up in a separate thread.

Hannah Kloepfer is a PAW: Producer, Actor, Writer based in NYC. This multi-hyphenate is currently working as a writer’s assistant, developing content and culture for DonorUP, and lending her voice to various animated characters and commercials. Her migraine hasn’t reared its ugly head in some time; she hopes it’s found peace...wherever it went; life’s a whole lot better without it. Follow Hannah @hannahkloepfer and visit the magic that is and